Skating ninjas seeking silence

The skates were such a good idea. I am so glad we thought of them.

I have not really been enjoying good mental health recently, so it was a good chance to get out into the fresh air, the kids have loved it.

We had another child with us today so we had to make a quick dash to the shop for some skates first . I must say that this inline skating thing must be pretty easy. Today’s child is the fourth child in a week I have ‘ taught’ to skate and I have never been on a skate in my life.
It was the fourth go for my kids and they are like old pros now, jumping cracks and racing each other.
Also with the colour combo thing going when they all start off in a race they look like ‘Roller- Rangers’ or ” Roller Ninjas” or something. Keep your eyes peeled on KidsTV there will be a cartoon out about them soon I am sure.

So I start thinking about getting myself moving and turning this play into some sort of beneficial exercise.
I figured the car park was probably over 25 metres long on each side, so by walking round in a lap I would have walked 100 metres, 10 laps a kilometer, you see where I am going with this…I like the idea that I can measure the distance roughly, the idea of collapsing in a worn out heap and then find out I had only gone four yards fills me with fear and dread.. So I set off thinking I will just try to jog a few laps.

Cigs kill that’s for sure I could hardly manage 2 laps before my nicotine coated lungs were wheezing ( note to self, stop smoking , soon) so I thought I would just walk.
At first it was hard to get a rythmn going as every 4 seconds someone would call out,
“Mama look!”
“ Look at me”,
“ see what I can do”, but then all that fizzled out, of course if you say “ great’ ‘good job’ to one then another kid will say ‘what about me why aren’t I great’, ‘ oh but you are” you say, and by the time each kid has gone through this a few times I am exhausted and so is the word ‘great’ and them and I both know as a form of praise it has now lost all meaning.

So I am in this rythmn and I almost CAN’T stop walking, I am loving it, just thinking my thoughts and putting one foot in front of the other and wondering if perhaps I have hit some kind of exercise zone, you know that exercise freaks talk about endorphins or something. When number 2 comes up and says she will go around with me, now I love this child to death but after several hours of cleaning up, preparing meals and then playing outside I REALLY need a moment to myself.
I said to her that actually I would just like a few minutes to walk around myself, collecting my thoughts. Not that I feel I have a lot of thoughts to collect, I could probably safely put all my thoughts in one basket without them crashing into each other, I could probably count my thoughts on the fingers on one hand, but I just needed a moment to be alone with them.
I had been in a kind of reverie about the walking, like a sort of Forest Gump, ‘ Run Forest Run’ moment where he runs and runs and the calipers come off and he is a real boy , oh no that was Pinnochio but you know what I mean. I saw myself walking and walking and unable to stop as if the fat was burning off me nano second by nano second and then it would all be gone and I would be surpised and the new me would have emerged.
Me with a fabulous body, a body like, umm, umm, well like someone with a fabulous body. I don’t even know what a fab body is these days.
I am there in all my fabulousness, with fab clothes too, ready to begin my fab new life, possibly with a high powered career in writing or publishing or something, Noam Chomsky-esq in linguistics.

But NO, the child wants to chat.

It is frightening these days how very very desperate I have become for moments alone, for moments of quiet, like if I can just silence everything and make everything still I will catch something illusive lurking somewhere in my mind. A mighty something that seems to know what is going on with my and why and more to the point knows what I need to do to get beyond the now.

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