Oh Christmas Tree!!!


I have had quite a dilemma all week, well 2 dilemmas really. One is my jealousy of people with fabulous real trees in their homes decorated to the hilt. The second is the terrible overgrowth of my border bushes that are now reaching across the road threatening to scratch passing cars. Scratches I will be financially liable for. what to do? What to do?

dangerous branches

I have never claimed to be the fastest horse out the gate, nor the sharpest knife is the drawer, but when I suddenly saw how I could solve
both my problems in one fell swoop ( or 6 hours solid labour as it turned out to be) it was like the dawning of the Age of Aquarius.

Why, all I need to do is chop down the fir tree like border bushes and pop one in a plant pot and put it in the house and voila, two problems solved.
I started to tackle the hacking down of the fir bush things, not sure what they are but I am sure my horticulutural default person will be able to name that tune in one.

First I cannot find a saw,so I pop off to the shop to buy one because nothing will deter me from the task at hand, I am once more a woman on a mission, I will stop at nothing to accomplish my goal!

Saw like tool purchased, I enter the thicket that is my garden and begin to saw happily away. I soon discover that it is not an easy task, not for the faint hearted either as I have to lean far over the end of my garden to what is a six foot drop, what if I go head first smashing my head on the concrete below and inpaling myself upon my saw like device? That would not be conducive to a Merry Christmas. Still I battle away and branch after branch falls down and I drag them off the road and into my drive.

2 quick tips here for the novice tree hacker.
1. Do not saw from beneath crumbling fir like tree branch without wearing something over your eyes, especialy not with contact lenses in.

2. do not attempt this in low-rise jeans. While it is the season of giving and sharing you don’t want to give and share too much with the neighbours.

3. It is true what they say that pine needles get “everywhere”.

I get what looks like the biggest and most christmas Tree-esque one and then stare at it for about half an hour wondering what on . My neighbour the leaf nazi shows up to remind me I will have to sweep the debris off the road. we have had problems with her in the past of stray leaves flying willy-nilly from our trees towards her house, without so much as a by-your-leave, so I thought I would clean the road first and hope to get some inspiration on how to get the triffid into a pot.

SO, sometime later I found a pot and surrpise surprise a big old bag of sand and some rocks. All set lets go. The ‘tree’ was very very heavy but after several attempts I did manage to get it into the pot and stand it up and weight it down and it was steady.

Fab! I am brilliant I thought to myself modestly, but the upper branches
were just too high there was no way I can get this in the house and it will be too tall for the room anyway. So I sawed off some of the upper branch. This turned out to be a huge mistake and some of my former brilliance faded as I realised the only reason the tree was upright was because those former upper branches were resting against the roof of the car port.

Back to the drawing board. empty out re -pot, re cut, empty out re -pot and magic. The tree stands unaided, twill be fabulous when I get it in, but it’s heavy, how will I get it in the house?

Another epiphany, I have no dog and so am forced to bark myself,but I have four kids, they can help me carry it in.

So I had a quick cup of coffee and a fag break and then the tinies came home. We decided we would have lunch and the lifting would commence.

After lunch we go out to find the tree horizintal once more and sand all over the place, Kevin was suspiciously close by.

“What happened?” I ask in a sweet Mummy face.
“I pushed it over” says Kev.
“You did WHAT?” sweet Mummy face gone forever, never to be seen again.
“I pushed it”
“I pushed it”
“I wanted to see how hard I would have to push till it fell, first I pushed and it didn’t fall so I kept trying a bit harder till it fell over”

Oh now I see, it was a FREAKIN SCIENCE PROJECT, testing the laws of physics,

Okay Stephen bloomin Hawking, lets examine how much sand a small hand can hold. Can you help us put it back together?

However after the Stephen Hawking episode it was revealed that there was dozens of cicada shells in the branches, plus snails and other bug like creatures which I really did not want in my house.
Back to the drawing board.

Okay new plan is hatched, we will replace the piece of fencing, which my friends Pete and Ruth loving call ‘masking flats’ , this is falling down and needs removing anyway, due to Kevin using it to get his balance on the unicycle. we will pull out the broken fence and pop the Xmas tree in the space, therefore still ‘masking’ the garden from the outside world, but giving all coming down the hill a glorious view of the tree.

Huffing and puffing and rearranging, it is done. Now what to do with the huge branches of hedge. We live 5 minutes from a forest so I sent the kids up the hill with them to let them recycle in the forest, give back to Ceasar that which is Ceasar’s, ashes to ashes, funk to funky etc.

So the lambs are dispatched with strict instructions not to drop a single pine needle on the journey ahead lest the leaf nazi pops back out.

ashes to ashes

I gathered up all the wood from the broken fence together like so much kindling, ooh how Christmassey, all bundles of kindling and Little Match Girls. I stored it away in The Man’s cupboard, where at some point in the future he will artistically fashion something from it. Waste not want not.

And with that we are almost done, the tree, a real tree, is in the garden, all debris is cleaned up.

Okay not technically the right shape but still…..

A real tree

Now to the fun part, the decorating, we can all make the decs from beads and bits of silver paper, like a real family in a movie.

“Do we HAVE to?”
“Can’t we go and play baseball?”

Okay, so it is me, myself and I making decs, but still, a very productive, enjoyable day!

2 thoughts on “Oh Christmas Tree!!!

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