On Your Back You Bitch.

Titled inspired by what passed for a chat up line in Yorkshire circa 1980.
Of course I`d hestitate to call myself a bitch, ( though others might not), I`ve been flat on my back since Monday.
I, obviously over strenuously, put my knickers on on Monday morning and my back went out. For anyone who has this happen from time to time, you`ll know, there is a moment, a brief moment, when you think it went, but you`re not sure, because as long as you stay very very still, there is no pain.
the pain doesn`t come until you move a fraction in any direction. as luck would have it, my back brace was right in front of me, so I put it on quickly and thought maybe I could save the day. I walked around a little, very gently.
It was a national holiday and in keeping with my, live life on the edge theme, I was meeting my friend in Starbucks and very much looking forward to it. So I took baby steps around the room in my brace and declared myself `fit for travel`.
I got there without too much pain, got very gently out of my car and into Starbucks. We sat, we chatted, we laughed, I was careful, the slightest movement was a bit painful. Then my friend went to the loo, and I decided to go outside for a fag.
Catastrophe! Couldn`t stand up straight. My back had locked into a sitting position. Couldn`t go up, couldn`t get back down. Decided to shuffle to door. I got myself outside but then could not move, was stuck in a hunched back position with my nose pressed up against the class door.
Eventually my friend came back from the loo and I was able to motion her to come outside and get me.
She gets me back in but I realise I can`t sit back down, so at 8 months pregnant she gets me, my bag, her bag and a large bag of books she was returning, out of the shop and into my car, giving a whole new meaning to `baby steps`.
Many thanks to my soy latte loving friend.
It took a while but I could get out of the car and go upstairs on my hands and knees. Young Jim was home so I press-ganged him into bringing up The Man`s lightweight laptop and a glass of water, laid flat on my back and moreorless stayed there for the next three days.
Tuesday morning was quite liberating when I realised that going into work, shuffling or crawling was simply not an option and I cancelled all my classes. The first time I have cancelled since opening my school, 5 years ago.
Aunty Ritzy made dinner and sent it over with Uncle Brick, and much to my surprise a number of my students popped by and left cooked food in the genkan for us. People are good! Lots of good folk around here and I thank you.
I managed to put my time to good use, and I watched an entire season of Teen Mom, and trust me the message came through loud and clear, safe-sex or no sex, I will not become a Teen Mom.I forced the girls to come and lie down a while with me and watch some of it too.
Then season 9 of Spooks, a documentary about heroin addiction, season 4 of Outnumbered and finally Switched at Birth.
Now, here I am right as rain, standing tall, well as tall as 5`2″ will let me be. Hoping we are going to the Apple shop in Osaka to get me one of these fabulous lightweight laptops.

Yesterday I managed to shuffle to the post office to post off Jim`s passport application which my fine friend Janette Rotund, counter-signed for me. Thank you for doing that.
Obviously that is an alias, due to the confidential and secure nature of the process I feel I must keep her identity secret, might also be post Spooks paranoia 😉

8 thoughts on “On Your Back You Bitch.

    • By the grace of online TV I`m also getting season 10. So far only episode 1 but I am cautiously optimistic. Indeed who is Lucas North, aside from hottie of the century of course. I still miss Tom and Zoe though

  1. i write this on one of those Apple laptop things, not a grey super slim but a white one. It has changed my life and improved me as a person – I can only recommend you get one asap. I wish I could recommend TV, but except recently, I’ve watched a documentary about Fred West and at lot of Come Dine with me. I will ALWAYS recommend The Wire. But if you are well you may not need it, but if you haven’t seen it, it’s something to think about about series 10 of Spooks.

      • You are right I think it`ll make me a better person and instantly transport me to the life I think I should be leading. I think not getting myself that notebook some months back is why I have been in such a funk. I`m going to order a Mac today and maybe I`ll get the notebook too.
        The food thing is mahvelous, I think you get a reprieve if you`ve been ill but technically if the food comes on a plate or in a tupperware you are supposed to return it with something on?in it though, so I`d better get baking.

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